How Self Reflection Can Lead to Joy
/I was sitting around the dinner table the other night with some really good friends. The conversation came around to accomplishments. To me, accomplishments boil down to the things we feel good about ourselves for. When it got to my turn I went blank. Literally nothing sprang to mind. “I’ll take a hard pass on that one” I said.
This event was a stark reminder about the importance of self-reflection.
Our brains tend to focus on the negative, those things that represent some sort of danger—physical, mental or emotional. This means, we may focus on our flaws, especially when stressed. At some deep level, we interpret our flaws as a liability. We see negative things more prominently like a big stain on an otherwise beautiful piece of clothing. This “negativity bias” is well documented.
Focusing on the positive can help us balance or even override this negativity bias. We can find more to love about ourselves and our life, which brings more joy to ourselves and those around us.
As we approach the longest night, on the winter solstice (Dec 21), and the end of the year, I encourage you to take some time and reflect back on the last 12 months. There’s lots of ways to do this. It can be simple or complex. I offer this fairly simple framework for reflection.
Self Reflection for Greater Joy Exerscize
This exercise has 2 important outcomes:
First, you learn what charged you up and what depleted you in the past year so you can do more of what charges you up in the new year.
Second, you see a clear picture of your gifts. These are the same gifts you express to the world in your own special and unique way. The best part about this exercise is, if you ever doubt yourself, you have strong evidence to support the validity of these gifts right there on paper!
Give it a Try
Set aside some time. You can usually do this exercise in about an hour or two.
Gather a few resources: A journal or calendar, bank statements, pictures on your phone, and your social media posts can all help jog your memory. Grab some markers and a piece of flip chart paper, or a blank document on your computer. I like to do this on paper. It somehow feels more embodied and tangible.
Make 4 columns. Write each month down column 1, “Work" in column 2, “Life” in column 3 and “I am…” in the last column. Here is my worksheet as an example. It doesn’t have to be pretty!
This step is just data gathering. For each month, write down any memorable event big or small in the appropriate “Work” or “Life” column. You don’t need to log every detail. Just things that stand out a bit for you. For example, some milestone you reached, challenge you faced or an event that had meaning to you. At this stage, don’t reflect too much. Just get the information down on paper.
Do a short meditation once your data is on paper. Five minutes of abdominal breaths is good. Set the intention to look back without judgement on the past year. Remember that even the most challenging events bring some sort of learning or wisdom.
Look at each event and assign either a plus or minus symbol. Grade the symbol by putting one to three “+” or “-” where one would be a mild charge and three would be a strong charge (either positive or negative). Remember that even strongly negative events (those that depleted you) may show you something about yourself that you can appreciate.
For example, one event in my work life last year was having to shut down for 15 days when I had COVID. Although this was a triple minus for me, the I am statement was “I am responsible”. Another triple minus was a meeting that went badly. I was sharp and abrupt because I was stressed about timelines. I didn’t feel good about it and later apologized to my colleague. My I am statement was “I have compassion for others.”Now for the really important step. For each of the events that has 3 +++ or - - - , create an “I am…” statement. You can do this by asking yourself: What did I learn about myself? If you don’t have any events that registered a 3, just pick the events that were highest.
As you go through this part, focus on your gifts. It is not useful to focus on the things you don’t feel good about. Most of us don’t need any help finding those! The point of this exercise is to have a more realistic and balanced reflection of who you are by focusing on your qualities.
As a final step, re-write your I am statements and post them somewhere you can easily look at them to remind yourself of these wonderful gifts you have. Your gifts are not only valuable to you, but also bring value and joy to others. It’s important to let those rise to the top of your consciousness on a regular basis.
When I did this exercise I easily came up with 21 I am… statements. The next time someone asks me what are some of the things I feel good about myself for, I’ll be well equipped with a response!
Love, peace and joy to you,
Happiest of holidays.
=)
Lori
