Bolster Self-Esteem by Banishing Shame
/My sisters are funny as hell. They make me bend over laughing. The three of us recently spent a weekend in Syracuse, where my artsy sister lives in a beautiful house built in 1929.
There’s lots to laugh at when we get together. We are all over 60. Usually it’s something about our aging bodies; Wrinkles in really weird places. Sun spots. Skin tags. Eye sags and saddle bags. We laugh at our own vanity.
I know (and I think they do too) there is a beauty and grace that comes with age. Still, there is a sinister emotion sitting very close to the surface of those ripples of laughter. Shame. In this particular case, it’s the feeling that losing the dewy beauty of youth somehow makes women, in particular, “less-than”.
Shame does not sprout up unbidden. Shame is generally stuck to something in our past that gets under our skin like a bad tattoo. Much of the shame of aging comes from growing up in a culture that values beauty and youth above almost all else. This value was even more engrained in me by a father who recoiled at the prospect of becoming a “fat old fart”. He clung to youth like a drowning man until the day he died.
Another shame inducer of late for me was the recent report on health and drinking. If you didn’t see it, the report advocates for less than three drinks a week. More than that, they claim, leads to 6 types of cancer, vital organ damage, early dementia and all kinds of other maladies. Now, let me just high five all of you that have already moved beyond the siren call of the Grey Goose. You are living proof that it can be done even in this alcohol-centric, made-worse-by-COVID world we live in!
But feeling shame every time I have more than 3 glasses of wine is not going to help me cut down. Shame makes me feel like ditching the guidelines all together with the repercussion of feeling even more shame for willingly feeding myself organ damaging neurotoxins. Geeze Louse!
So if shame isn’t useful, how do we eradicate it?
Shine the light on shame. Question its existence. Knowing it is there is the first step to banishing it. Shame is the belief that there is something inherently wrong with or lacking in you. Guilt is a feeling you have done something wrong. Guilt gives you a chance to make amends. Shame simply erodes self-esteem. If you wonder if shame is lurking in your inner landscape, watch for self talk like; “I should be better at this.” or “I should know better by now.” Or watch for the “shame flame”, a sense of embarrassment. I used to blush intensely when I had to summarize my activities in board meetings because I feared my accomplishments weren’t enough. That somehow, I was lacking in the skills or intelligence my role required. All a lload of crap of course, but I believed it at the time.
Take one micro step in the opposite direction of whatever triggers shame. For example, feel better about aging by repeating an intention like “Being older has some great perks!” If consuming too much Grey Goose is inducing the shame flame, try limiting consumption just a bit to start or drinking one glass of water for every alcohol laden drink. A nice bubbly soda water with a slice of lemon might be just as satisfying. At the very least the alcohol-free drink helps rehydrate!
Linger on your accomplishments, no matter how small. For example, when someone pays you a compliment, really hear them. Repeat their words to yourself a few times and let them sink in. I sometimes read over testimonials and it gives me a sense of meaning and purpose to know that in some way I’ve helped someone.
So, if the shame flame get ignighted in you, snub it out quick and fill yourself up with peace, joy and self-compassion instead. Your self-esteem will thank you for it.
Stay well.
=)
Lori
